Dad, where did I come from?
— Yes, the problem, son, is not where you come from and the hell I go there.
A great evening, maybe come to my place for coffee?
-Well, I don't know, coffee for the night.
Oh, please! I haven't had coffee in six months!
Grandson of have grandmothers asks:
BA, and th is your mouth so big?
And you granddaughters, grandfather without cowards saw?
Girl, you really don't drink?
Husband early in the morning going fishing.
— Where are you going?
— Please catch a pike, a kilo of potatoes, a loaf of bread and liter of milk.
What to do?
— Yesterday in the pocket of the husband found the pants.
- Lenochka, do not make noise.
Wait for him to bring the fur coat!
- I put mayonnaise on my pants.
- Tell him you put mayonnaise on his pants.
The man was taken to the hospital with a broken head.
- Your name?
— Are you married?
No, I was in an accident.
Comes in police station woman.
- I want to make a statement.
I was raped!
Policeman on duty:
- Well, what happens.
But it was a contract rape!
They got me everywhere, everywhere and a control in my head!
In the theater.
From the Overture!
How do your parents feel about you?
- Like God.
What is it like?
- No matter what I say, they don't listen.
My requests are not fulfilled.
They pretend I don't exist.
But if they need anything, they call me.
You love me?
You could lie.
— I lied.
Isn't the bread fresh?
- Fresh, push harder.
The foreigner asks the Russian:
— What do you eat in Russia?
— What is it?
Pigs in a blanket.
— What is it?
Pigs in a blanket. .
- Oh, okay... what else?
Um. . Dumplings…
— What is it?
Pigs in a blanket…
- Oh... what else?
— … Mantas
March 8. Wife washing dishes.
The husband reads the newspaper, and suddenly remembers that he forgot his wife with a celebration to congratulate.
- Honey, are you doing the dishes?
Today's a holiday! You're home tomorrow.
Give me a compote!
Can't you see? Me poorly, let-cucumber!
Husband asks wife:
What would you do if you saw me kissing another woman?
- As a faithful wife, I will visit you.
A man comes to a brothel:
— Do you guys have?
This isn't a Shoe store!
- Let's get the girls off!
Let them hang.
Mom brings infant daughter to a psychiatrist.
He asks her:
- Girl, what's your name?
How old are you?
- What time of year is it?
- Masha, what a summer.
You're yesterday on the sleigh ride?
- Making a snowman?
- So what is this summer!
It's such a shitty summer.
And how do you spend your salary?
— 40% food, 30% on utilities, 30% on clothes, 20% on entertainment and incidental expenses.
But it turns out the amount of 120%!
- That's the problem.
One skydiver tells another.
- I had the longest jump yesterday.,
His feet touched the ground only ten hours later.
- It doesn't happen!
It happens, sometimes, when the parachute is hooked over the pine.
Until will find, until based.
- I don't like swearing.,
Offended and I don't want to.
Now can find the money their bullets,
And as you want.
Played with son in horse.
Rolled it around his neck until he hit his little finger on the nightstand.
This horseman got off me and asked::
— Horse, what is it really hurting?
- You can't ride me anymore?
— Wish. I'm gonna have to shoot you.
Drunk husband knocks on the door.
Wife will not let me.
The husband yells:
— Someone in the house, and the owner!
Vovochka asks the father.
- Dad, you're saying that the family is a small state.
Who are you?
- President, of course!
Who am I?
- You people!
The next day, johnny calls her father at work:
— Mr. President, came to power another President, FSB asleep, and the people worried!
The husband asks the wife.
Why are you so cheerful?
- Song stuck one!
— I know the password. Your contact. There were a lot of heifers, now no one!
Married couple in taxi,
The husband asks the taxi driver:
— Stop, please, near the house, well, there is, in the end.
- Over there, where the cat is.
- You have rear paws or front?
Doctor I'm afraid to sleep!
After you sleep, you have to go to work.
In the store a man asks from the seller:
- Do you have any footballs for sale?
- Tennis rackets?
- Well, are there dumbbells?
Man we do not sell sports equipment!
We have a wine vodka shop.
- Well, give me two bottles of vodka.,
And so I wanted to do sports.
It keep you warm?
Is he okay?
What's his name?
Come buddy to my friend's cottage.
Sit down to dinner:
- You plate clean or washed?
A bit after eating, asks:
I washed myself, and a clean cat licked it.
Conversation between two friends:
— You know, the doctor told me yesterday the good news that I was pregnant!
Greetings! Have you thought of a name for your unborn child?
- Not while I'm thinking about my middle name.
The man comes into the pharmacy and says.
- I have thirty condoms.
Standing next to the girl.
- Hee hee hee hee.
He looks at her, then says to the pharmacist.:
Long distance train.
In each compartment with a polite smile looks conductor asks:
- Any foreigners?
Everywhere the answer is no.
She goes out into the corridor and shouts:
— Kolya! Turn off the air conditioning! Here are some of our!
In the supermarket.
The couple rolls up with two full carts to the cash register.
- Ow! Forgot to take toilet paper!
- Don't need to, have us now a check sixty meters will!
Go in the Elevator husband and wife and a strange girl.
Suddenly the girl turns around and pounding the man in the face:
- Cheeky! Yes, even with my wife!
The Elevator doors open, the girl jumps out.
The man was all red and stammering:
— Valya, I swear!
Come on, calm down, I ironed it.
Wife asks husband:
— Why do you love me,
For my perfect figure, or for my dazzling beauty, or perhaps for my angelic character?
- For your amazing sense of humor.
Little Red riding Hood comes to her grandmother and says:
"Grandma, eat your pies while they're hot!"
Can't the granddaughter, even the wolf are not overcooked!
Fima, dagohoy that you prigotovit, Chugoku or gibco?
- My shit, I'm fucked.
How to distinguish a mushroom from a berry?
- Try to boil it.
If you get soup, it's a mushroom.,
— if the compote, a berry.
Ol, you know I miss you so much!
Yes, really. I'll probably have to get another woman.
Sorry I'm late.
- What happened?
Nothing, I just didn't want to come.
Girl, I like you, let's meet tomorrow.
— What are you?!
I'm married, let's do it tonight!
Hello! The Bob can be?
If he wakes, tell him to call Dylan.
- What do you mean if he wakes up?!
Two priests set on the road shield with the inscription:
- Stop, the end is near! Turn around before it's too late.
Past them at high speed passing truck, the driver screams and waving his fist:
"Damn sectarians, you've had it!
The car disappears around a turn, there is a rumble and a loud gurgling.
One priest says to another:
— Looks like you were right, I had to write just
The bridge was destroyed.
Husband and wife in bed, can't sleep
Toiling behind a wall the neighbour's child.
- You still want to have a baby?
- Yes, I want revenge!
Why are you in such a hurry from work?
- I have to make dinner.
And your wife?
— No home.
Light, move, or I'll fall off the bed.
- And you lean against my back.
You'd think I wouldn't fall then.
- Sasha, you're an ex-sailor.
"Then we must moor and anchor!"